Saturday, May 24, 2014

Why are you still talking.

I have a history of being caught by people at pet stores who feel the need to tell me gross and disturbing stories about their animals.  I must have one of those faces that says, "please, tell me more" but really I'm thinking "shit, don't make eye contact". So far the don't-make-eye-contact thing isn't working. The past two times I have visited a pet store, I have been victim to these crazies, and that is NOT ok with me. I need to work on a face that says "I might have rabies, you shouldn't talk to me", or "I'm going to snap at any minute". You know, something super extreme so people are actually afraid to be around me let alone talk to me. Something like this perhaps:

So here's what happened.

Pet store #1

By no ones fault other than my own, I started some small talk with an obviously shy and uncomfortable employee working at the register.  Never again.

Me: Those look really dangerous (referring to a 6 foot long rawhide bone sitting by the counter).

Awkward Employee: No, my dog eats those all the time.  Except, I used to have this really fuzzy blanket and he ate one of those bones on it, so now it's just full of chunks of rawhide, so I gave it to my dog. He loves it.

Me: (Starting to see my mistake already) Oh yeah, that happens. (How do you respond to that?)

Awkward Employee:  Yeah, my dog has pretty much taken over all of my blankets, and pretty much everything else. He pretty much uses all of my blankets now. Hey, you are buying cat food. Lucky you, it's on sale! My mom has a cat.  It's really mean.  For a whole year it lived inside her mattress and peed on everything.  I have to take care of it.  It didn't like me.

Me: -Silent and terrified. What the fuck is going on. Why won't she stop talking. I gave her my money, what else does she want from me!?

Awkward Employee: Yeah, my moms cat is like 18 years old and it wont die.  Its KIND of nice now but not really.  I still pees on stuff but not as much. I have to cut its claws and it doesn't like it. It lives in my moms mattress under that weird layer of fabric. I got sick of trying to get it out of there so I cut it off and now it can't hide in there.--more random cat nonsense later--- That's a really good deal on cat food.

Me: This lady's house must be absolutly disgusting. Dog breathe and cat pee aroma, chunks of rawhide and dog teeth in the carpet. Cat claw marks everywhere. How do I get her to stop talking!?

After taking several steps to the door and looking outside every 5 seconds, she finally got the picture. She probably recognized the signs because I resembled a dog having to go outside to poop, and I'm sure her dog has chronic diarrhea if she feeds it 5 yards of rawhide everyday. After standing in line for 5 minutes with 4 bags of cat food shaking in my arms, I saw my window of opportunity to leave.  Maybe she was just pausing between stories, I will never know. Either way.. It was a horrible experience. It was a good deal on cat food though.

Pet store #2

I did not ask for this one. I was casually buying some kitten Fancy Feast several weeks later because my kittens are turkey pâté junkies, and it started a very unfortunate conversation.

Seemingly normal employee: aww, how many kittens do you have?

Me: Two, they run around a lot.

Seemingly normal employee: How old are they?

Me: 3 months

Totally normal and acceptable conversation up until now... But it then took a turn I was reeeally not expecting.

Seemingly normal employee: I got a kitten that when it was 3 months old. I didn't think it was going to live through the night. It had been hit by a car.

Me: oh, that's not good. Whaaat. Does this girl just pick up dead kittens on the side of the road on her spare time? 

Seemingly normal employee: Yeah, I took it to the vet in the morning because it actually lived. And the vet I took it to does animal chiropractics (that's a thing?). Apparently it's neck was out of alignment and he just poped it back in place and the kitten stood up and it was fine. (I'm sure it was not 'just fine')

I honestly did not know how to respond. I'm sure the look in my face must have been priceless because I was actually pretty horrified. I wasn't sure whether to be disturbed, impressed, worried for this kittens, or afraid of this girl. So many feeling...

I'm not sure what I managed to say in response, but I'm sure it was something unintelligible like "huh" or "wow?" 

Without even a pause she tore off my receipt and told me about a coupon I received at the bottom and wished me a great day...

Apparently the kitten is about to celebrate its first birthday. And my cat food was also on sale that day.


  1. You are one funny chick! I am however still perplexed as to how the cat got inside the mattress. If its how I think then why the hell is someone still sleeping on the piece of crap.

    1. Thanks! I was thinking the same thing.. But then again, they have more than just their mattress to be concerned about..