Friday, May 23, 2014

I work with robots. And machines.

I often have more in common with my work computer than my fellow "human" co-workers. The computer knows what it is capable of, unlike my co-workers who apparently have no limitations. It enjoys displaying pretty pictures of scenery and cute animals, whereas my co-workers think I care about seeing pictures of their fat ugly dogs and kids. My computer also has more creative potential than all of my co-workers combined. Based on these simple facts, I have deduced that my co-workers are in fact robots, and apparently not very sophisticated ones. In all fairness they probably see me as a flamboyant free-spirited hippy-nerd that doesn't contribute anything to society and they are mostly right.

As my co-workers see me (left).    My co-workers (right).



See, if you look closely, you can tell they are not human because they are metal. Also, they have buttons and wires.

For instance, upon arriving at work yesterday with a drastically different haircut, someone asked me, "Why did you get your hair cut?"..... Really? WHY? I thought about her question for a long time after my logical response of "it was getting long". Why would someone ask that? Was she curious because she is unsure of why she gets her own hair cut? Or perhaps she's wondering about the timing between haircuts? I finally decided that everything pointed to just one conclusion. She is not human. She does not understand the biology behind hair growth, and the constant need to maintain a reasonable hairstyle suited to the individual. This got me thinking..

At work we have this very fancy centrifuge (it spins stuff) that uses compressed air to spin it even faster. It always makes a high pitched rocket-type noise that makes me want to hide behind something so I don't get blasted in the face, but so far I've kept my skull intact. Anyways, inside is a metal disk that has two halves that screw together to hold the specimen in place. (See diagram)



 Well, I got the metal disk very very stuck. So stuck, I think I almost broke some bones in my hand trying to unscrew it.. Almost. I had all the tool boxes out, I used tourniquets to cut down on friction.. I wasted a lot of time on this while trying to use science at the same time. (I promise all of this is relevant). I finally decided to ask for help, which is something I try to avoid doing at work all together..

Three co-workers later and some very stupid ideas from my 'peers,' the last co-worker shows up. We are all 20-something females around the same weight, none of us brag huge muscles or softball-player type builds. This particular co-worker grabs the disk bare handed and proceeds to try and unscrew it without the use of any tool after watching us fail over and over again... She of course also failed. What an unreasonable expectation. She must ALSO be a robot. Even a computer could have figured out the odds of the situation. Turns out putting it in the freezer for 8 minutes shrunk the metal enough to unscrew the piece of shit. And who came of with the idea? Me. How? BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING ROBOT! 

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